


On Beca's Utter Failure to Successfully Insult Kommissar

by stepstostars



Series: terrible banter [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Cynthia POV, F/F, Terrible Banter, sorry Jesse I like you but it's easier to pretend you don't exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 07:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepstostars/pseuds/stepstostars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Take that, you overgrown mass of—of Michelangelo-sculpted muscle and bone,” Beca finishes lamely. “With your lips and your biceps and—” </i>
</p><p>Or, the team documents Beca's incredibly humiliating encounters with Kommissar on instagram.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Beca's Utter Failure to Successfully Insult Kommissar

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who finally watched Pitch Perfect 2 months after it came out? And started shipping ridiculous couples because that's apparently what I do?
> 
> Anyway, this is a weird mix of sort-of canon and AU. Because DSM is actually on a national tour in the movie, but it's easier if they just stick around Barden for the story's sake. Also, sorry to Jesse, I actually adore him (& all the other characters, lbr), but it's just easier to work around him than with him.

They really should have known, Cynthia thinks. When they bumped into Das Sound Machine at the Riff-Off, it would only make sense to consider the idea that they may have settled somewhere close to campus as their temporary headquarters.

Alas, they’d all been frustrated enough by their loss that the thought had completely slipped their minds—until she runs smack into Kommissar on a grocery run. Emily is accompanying her on the trip, but when Cynthia turns for backup, she’s nowhere to be seen.

Typical freshman.

“Hey,” Cynthia says, hoping she doesn’t sound as awkward as she feels. “Aren’t you guys supposed to be on tour or something?”

Kommissar just raises an eyebrow. “Yes,” she says. And Cynthia hopes to high heaven that this is the end of the conversation—until in walks Emily with Beca following close behind.

“Hey Cynthia, so Beca was around and wanted to bring us the updated list—” Emily stops mid-sentence, eyes going wide and mouth instantly shutting. “Um.”

“ _You_ ,” Beca snarls, and Cynthia can’t decide whether to breathe out a sigh of relief or fear. “With your—your high cheekbones and ocean-blue eyes I could drown in!”

Cynthia ends up nearly choking on a laugh.

“Thank you,” Kommissar says, looking a little confused. “You are quite pretty, too, for someone with your stunted limbs and stature.”

Beca looks vaguely pained. “That wasn’t meant to be a compliment! You—you oversized mountain! Of gorgeous hair and soft skin!”

“Okay,” Cynthia interrupts, finally breaking out of her coughing fit. “We should go.” She flips Emily and Beca around, pushing their cart away at breakneck speed.

In the end, it turns out that Emily, as afraid as she was, had managed to take a photograph of the confrontation. It’s the most prized picture Cynthia’s uploaded to her instagram yet.

\--

The next time, they meet at the bowling alley during a “Bella Group Hang!™” (phrase coined and trademarked by Chloe.) Das Sound Machine apparently subscribes to the same group bonding manual, because like the hypercompetitive enthusiasm of Amy, Beca, and Chloe, the leaders and a few others of DSM are similarly pumped and overexcited by the whole ordeal.

Cynthia’s sitting by Stacie on the benches, texting her girlfriend and checking her Facebook for updates, trying to ignore the ridiculous trash-talking and general ridiculousness around her until—

Until _that_ voice kicks in and suddenly things become so much more interesting.

“Well look who it is,” Kommissar says with a smug smirk. “It seems the losers have trickled in.”

Chloe immediately stands up, arms crossed and eyes narrowed in what Cynthia thinks is supposed to be her “threatening” look. But Chloe had never quite reached that same sharp edge Aubrey wielded so well, and she looks more like a frustrated puppy instead. “What are _you_ guys doing here?”

Pieter scoffs. “Bowling, obviously. A true German pastime.”

He gets weird looks from his whole team for that, but his confidence is like an armor of invulnerability and they soon shrug and agree.

“Bet you we can beat you,” Cynthia says before she really thinks it through. It’s in her blood still—the gambling. She’s been through rehab and she knows it’s a slippery slope, but this is for their pride with relatively low stakes, and it really can’t be that bad.

Right?

“Ha!” Kommissar says, eyes bright and scary. “You’re on.” The grin on Beca’s face is near feral.

Cynthia immediately rethinks her idea. She’d forgotten about the Type A, drama queen personalities on both teams.

-

Honestly, Beca really, really sucks at bowling. The only thing keeping her going is probably her pride and pure hatred for DSM, Kommissar in particular.

Cynthia, on the other hand, is currently the queen of strikes and, joined by her trusty second-in-command Lilly, is totally carrying the team. That doesn’t make watching Beca throw her sixth gutter ball in a row any less painful.

“Pretend it’s her head you’re throwing,” Lilly murmurs as Beca stomps over to the ball release. “And the pins are sharp stakes that will shred her skin to pieces.”

They all turn their heads in unison, staring at Lilly in complete silence. You’d think they’d be used to the comments by now but—no, they’re still surprised every time. Except Beca, who seems almost heartened by the advice. “Right,” she says, grasping the teal ball in her hands with a new determination. “Okay.”

It is the fastest strike Cynthia’s ever seen, the pins scattering like an explosion, and _shit_ she is never getting on Beca’s bad side.

-

They win in the end, and Cynthia is a _little_ proud of the achievement to say the least. Even when Beca and Chloe are taking all the credit as always.

“Take _that_ , you overgrown mass of—of Michelangelo-sculpted muscle and bone,” Beca finishes lamely. “With your lips and your biceps and—”

“ _This_ is how hard we’re going to kick your ass at Worlds!” Chloe interrupts.

The smile Kommissar flashes them is almost friendly. Teasing, even. “Let me treat you to dinner then, oh mighty winner,” she says, sarcasm dripping from every word. But her arm is suddenly around Beca’s shoulders, and they’re meters away before Cynthia can completely register what’s going on.

Beca is just as blindsided as the rest of them. “What—excuse me?”

Pieter rolls his eyes and sighs. “Goodbye,” he says without any real heat before turning to wave his team off. The Bellas are a little too dumbfounded to do anything but stare as Beca is neatly dragged away.

“So, that happened,” Emily says faintly. “Does that happen often? Please tell me that doesn’t happen often.”

“Oh my god,” Chloe says. “What did we just let happen.”

Amy’s the only one with a good head on her shoulders. “I hope someone took video.”

It turns out Ashley had flipped out her phone from straight instinct. The video is immediately uploaded to Cynthia’s instagram—no editing required.

\--

The next day, most of the Bellas are hanging in the living room, having a good old-fashioned movie afternoon with popcorn and Icees galore. None of them have seen Mean Girls ten times yet, so it had been the obvious choice for a lazy Saturday afternoon.

But then Beca stumbles down the stairs, followed by an incredibly smug Kommissar. Immediately, everyone’s attention has changed to the much more exciting target.

“I hate you, you—beautiful Amazonian princess!” Beca yells. “I want to throw you to the floor! And—and straddle your face!”

Ah, young love, Cynthia thinks. She was sometimes nostalgic for that fumbling sexual tension.

Beca’s face is pale, like she’s suddenly just realized the meaning of the words she’s blurted out.

“I don’t want to be that person,” Amy says. “But you’re definitely getting more explicit.”

“Shut up,” Beca whispers. “Just kill me now.”

Kommissar just looks mildly amused. “It seems I was mistaken,” she says. “You are no mouse. You are an energetic bunny.” She pauses and raises her eyebrow as if to _imply_ something. “I also accept your offer.”

Beca lets out a painfully high whimpering noise and closes her eyes.

“I know we always expected this sexuality questioning meltdown,” Stacie murmurs from Cynthia’s left. “But I thought it’d be Chloe who'd cause it.”

Cynthia shrugs. “I had my money on Aubrey.”

Beca’s finally stopped her whining, only because she’s busy screaming for help as Kommissar scoops her over her shoulder and back up the stairs. “Guys!” she yells. “ _I’m being kidnapped_.”

“Have fun on your playdate!” Amy calls out unhelpfully.

“Text me if you need tips!” Cynthia says, phone out and recording video while Stacie snaps stills.

“What do you think of this filter?” Stacie asks, tilting the camera towards Cynthia while fiddling with the lighting. She looks back up to Beca with a smile. “And you can’t be kidnapped in your own home, silly!”

“I know some body-dumping spots if you need them,” Lilly adds quietly and just as usefully.

Jessica and Ashley wave in eerie synchrony. “Good luck!” says one. “Stay safe,” says the other. Cynthia shudders.

They end up with a beautiful, instagram-worthy picture by the end; the colors are perfect, the angles are razor sharp, and Beca’s middle fingers are very, very in focus.

\--

The next time, they’re rehearsing in the auditorium when Kommissar just so happens to “wander” in.

“Your face is too perfect!” Beca shouts. “I just want to mess it up with my fist! In your hair! As—as I fuck your mouth with my tongue! And your hands on—”

“Again, getting more explicit,” Amy says. “At least _try_ to tone it down in public.”

“I can’t,” Beca says, looking horrified. “I have no control over my words.” Cynthia feels a pang of sympathy, the word vomit really _is_ getting worse. But it’s becoming increasingly more entertaining watching Beca struggle against herself as the days pass.

Stacie sighs. “It’s sexual frustration,” she says, and when did _Stacie_ become the wise lecturer of the group? “You need more orgasms.”

Kommissar raises an eyebrow and turns to Beca, smiling with altogether too many teeth. “Would you like help?” she asks politely.

Beca pales even more. “No,” she says, hurriedly. “I’m fine. Truly. As long as you stay five feet away from me. So I—so I have room to jump into your arms and we can go have sex against the wall.”

Kommissar’s smile widens, and even Cynthia can admire her obvious care for dental hygiene.

Beca closes her eyes. “No,” she whispers. “You need to stay away so I can run. And have space. To think—about climbing you like a tree.” Her eyes open, full of desperation and fear. “ _Goddamn,_ what is wrong with me?”

“It’s like a trainwreck I can’t look away from,” Stacie says with near admiration. “I know we should do something to stop this but—”

“Let it continue,” Lilly interrupts. “It is the course of nature.” Her eyes widen and Cynthia shudders against her will. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to Lilly’s quirks. “We must see this through.”

“Right,” Cynthia says, watching as Beca runs out of the room in obvious panic.

Amy tosses Kommissar a key. “I will wreck you both if you guys touch my bed.”

Kommissar shoots them all a warm look and a graceful bow. “Thank you,” she says, before following after Beca at a brisk walk.

There’s a beat of silence as they all fiddle with their phones to sift for instagram-worthy pictures of Beca’s latest meltdown. Cynthia’s own stockpile isn’t quite right—the angle is off and doesn’t quite capture the pure devastation on Beca’s face.

“Are we terrible people?” Jessica asks in a fit of individuality. Ashley hesitantly nods along.

Amy shrugs. “Chloe’s our conscience and she’s not here. We’ll deal with it when she comes back with Legacy.”

The picture they end up with isn’t quite as exciting as their previous captures, but they all agree that the look of mixed resignation and affection on Beca’s face is one of her most flattering.

**Author's Note:**

> Listened to Flashlight fifty times on repeat while writing this. My brain hates me.


End file.
